"Circus" (writing) by Kelly Alexandra Hoff

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“I once was a little girl, 

I now feel like an old lady…”

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“I sit around in my dresses, waiting for visitors.  I always keep a lamp on in the south bedroom, in case I want to work.  There’s a sewing desk and a map.

There once was a little black boy that lived next door.  He lived there with his brother.  And his mom.  He looked like he was out of the civil war.  

I bake some bread from the store  I’m learning to make tarts.  I have clotted cream on my list too.  It’s been on there for quite a while.

I think there’s a war outside, so I think I’m gonna stay inside….

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I once lived in a small town….  with a gas station, a church, and bars on every corner!  My favourite was “The Speakeasy.”  Brigette & I went there when we were just “girls.”  lol.  (that means “laugh out loud.”)  I guess we were in our late 20s.  (I guess I was in my late 20s)

We’d go to the bar together, and a nice skinny man, I’ll call him Clive, would buy us drinks.   

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I’ll never forget that bar.  

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I imagine myself a little girl….  living in that old, blank, white, apartment we lived in.  Me and my boyfriend.  He’s my best friend.  

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I’m a little girl putting up a picture on the wall, I drew, of tall, skinny man with black hair.  He has a microphone.  

He’s like Jesus!  

The ladies on the tv look up at him when he sings, like he’s Jesus!  I like him.  I wonder if one day he’ll be my friend!  

I turn to my friend, a man, with a beard and  moustache.  He’s older than me.  (but not really..)  And ask,

“Why can’t you hear the animals????”  

But can he???

Then, I look down at my paper, “I can’t ask him that!”

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He makes me eggs.  We have yogurt!  Key lime!  An old singing teacher of mine used to like key lime pie.  He moved to Singapore.  

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I like my friend a lot.  He’s my best friend.  

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He took me to the circus once!  When I was an adult!  We hung outside the by the fence & looked in!  And saw the big tent!  

It was closed.  There was no one there.  lol.  (I like to say lol.)  

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I decide to walk around.  I’m gonna find…  

(“I’m gonna find…”)

I didn’t tell him who.

I didn’t tell him out loud.  

Now I’m an adult again…  

Remembering….

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I walk around town, after, down the apartment stairs….

I can still smell the stairway.   It smells like home….  before I went crazy.  

Before my man left….  

I walk all around.  

England’s far away.  

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This was the last place I felt normal.  Newburg, Wisconsin.  Population:  400.”  

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~ Kelly Alexandra Hoff, “The Circus” (written:  February 22, 2022, edited May 6, 2022.)

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published online:  May 6, 2022